Never

„In a room with both of your rivals you were always turning around“ There are two rivals to your body. Your cancer and your mind. The doctors know how to fight the former. It’s only up to you how to deal with the latter. And that must be fucking hard, the hardest part. Because doctors are among the people we believe most. I did, too. But now, looking back, I thing I was wrong. I made a mistake. I believed them. And she, she who fought so strong gave up the moment they told her she wouldn’t make it. Gave up and soon after was gone. But the change was sudden. She wasn’t dying until she was told she would. She was determined to fight, smiled every day, said she was feeling better and then she was told and all the energy was gone. Was it a mistake of the doctor to tell her, then? 

I was angry and seriously wanted to complain, officially, and now I don’t know. I don’t know because now I know your blog and see what you are going through, having been told. I see what you were able to say to people, I see how you are trying gently to prepare them for the worst. And that’s what she didn’t do. We were unprepared, I wasn’t ready for her to leave, completely lost. Shocked. 

Still, I believe you are entitled to the chance. If she had been given the chance, she might have been here now. The doctors are no Gods to say. They are scientists and sometimes very bad psychologists but it’s not up to them to decide who will live. 

I wonder if those dreams you talked about were your real dreams. Probably they were. I had a few strange dreams like those when I found out your cancer was back. I was always in a dangerous place. Somewhere high. I was afraid. Frightened. I knew now I could actually fall down and die. But I survived. In the dreams I survived. Every time I woke up I thought of you first. 

Don’t give up yet, Kristian.

Katerina