It’s
freezing and I’m thinking of all the moments when I looked forward to
something.
Like when
we were looking forward to finally finishing high school and thought the world
was going to turn into one big party full of freedom. Like when that boy I had loved
came to my door and knocked. Like when I finished a university degree. Like
when I moved to Sweden.
“Expectations
never got me anywhere in my life”
All those
moments of success were followed by bitter disappointment. It might be that the
most precious moments are in fact those when you look forward to something. The
journey is the goal.
Last year,
in January, you played in Malmö and it was also freezing, I remember. But it
didn’t matter. And when we were standing there waiting for your concert, when
we were singing along with you, when we were dancing in the crowd afterwards, I
remember thinking again “Something’s about to begin!“
And looking
back it was true but that night was actually already the climax. A little
concert in a club full of strangers, with insanely expensive beer that didn’t
taste good, with really good songs playing until the late hours, with you walking
through the crowd, drinking beer and talking to people.
And it made
me live.
Only seven
months after we achieved what we had been dreaming of for several years. We
moved to Sweden. We came to Malmö with all the luggage and we waited for a taxi
that didn’t come. Exhausted and a bit angry we looked at the internet and that
was the moment when we found out your cancer was back.
Like a
punch in the face. Like falling into cold water in today’s weather. Like
somebody took away everything you had believed in. One big dream that came true. One cold fact
that took away the joy.
I cannot
even imagine how hard this must have been for you.
It hurts so
much to read your blog. For that moment everything stops and all I see are the
images you create with words. Your family. Your dream child. Birds. Love and
pain. The bitterness that came with the worst betrayal life brought to you.
Deep serious thoughts. Worries. Hope. Resignation. Anger.
The
precious moments when you live for something that is about to come. The
disappointment that is often waiting there. Good things forever followed by the
bad ones. The eternal fight.
Fight.
Katerina
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